June Happenings

Last night I tried duck pate with pistachios for the first time and it was divine. I had a cocktail with dill-cantaloupe-cilantro soda in it and it was like a festival in my mouth, so many flavors blended so perfectly that it made my taste buds dance. I laughed and flirted and tried my best to not make bad decisions. I was in the company of four very different men and it was fascinating to be in their midst, hearing them banter and watching all the byplay. I had a great time. It was so interesting to be a party to this dynamic group, and I felt honored to be included. 

Life takes us on so many paths that we never see coming. I am still single but suddenly have multiple men talking about donating to my baby cause if needed. I'm still single but get to hang out with incredible men who appreciate me, who compliment me, and who make me feel beautiful and intelligent and welcome. It's awesome and strange and something to take home. And I still wonder, as my brother told me last night at his birthday bash, "You're such an awesome person, I don't understand why this hasn't worked out for you yet." And I agreed. And I can lament and I can shake my fist and go on about the injustice of it, but I got to experience last night with these cool people who I can call friends and that isn't horrible or lonely or any of that. It's magical. And I need to remember that.

A big event is coming up this weekend where I will get to speak in front of many people and I'm nervous and excited and so very blessed and honored to be a part of it. And Summer is here in just a few short days with it's warmth and happiness and citrus-flavored state of mind. My book is getting published by the end of this summer. It's coming together. OH! I start school this summer too. So many things!

Peace, Love, and Keeping up with Shanti

Shanti Elena

Sleepless Questions in the Wee Hours

My mind is abuzz and I cannot find sleep. It's 3:23am and there is beautiful music playing to try to lull me. My bed is comfortable, my sheets soft. My pillows are arranged just so. Yet I lie awake and feel the frenetic energy of my brain and it just won't shut off. It won't shut up. So I thought that perhaps this would help.

Today was a good day. I had a great lunch with my best friend and we talked about the normal things-her kid, my dating life. The sun was shining. I went shopping and bought some summer clothes to salute the warmth of the vitamin D life-giver that graced us today. I even bought a sun dress! And then work. Work was good. Work was pretty easy. It was a much needed break from yesterday at work. I walked with my dear friend on our lunch. I came home and walked my Haven. She ran and ran in the park, her glowing blue collar a testament to her location and a comfort to a dog mommy.

Now I am here. And I've been here. Why am I awake? A large piece is the new man I've met, who I am fascinated by. Another piece is the knowledge that I need to start making life changes. School and living situations and such. I desperately want a space to call my own. I want stability in my career. I want to publish my book and the others to follow. Will I ever have children? Will I end up having my own child? Why am I breaking out and will coconut oil really help my dry scalp?

How do I shut off the flow of thoughts and feelings? I used to be able to sleep so well, so deeply. What am I so worried about? It's not death this time. I'm actually feeling pretty ok about that subject for some reason, It's more the life not lived. The loss of time. The knowing that while I may have another life after this, the consciousness of this Shanti will be forever lost to dreams and feelings and connections that don't make sense but that we feel deep in our soul. It's all the years before and the where I should be at this time in my life. The inadequacies of what I've done and who I am. Yet I really like who I am. It's a strange paradox, loving yourself and still being angry at the choices you've made. Those choices leading you to the person you are that is lovable. Round and round.

And a Pink Floyd song comes on and I'm reminded of 18 year old me and this inevitably brings Charlie into the mind and all that sadness. And I recall the loves of my life and how they shaped me and made me stronger and broke me and reforged me and gosh, it's now 3:40 in the morning and I need to sleep.

A salute to all the other insomniacs out there tonight, worried about things they can't pinpoint and wondering how the hell they're going to face the glorious sun when it rises in a few short hours. Coffee and sweet dreams will hopefully help. And the knowledge that it's Friday.

Peace, Love, and Solidarity in our Humanness

Shanti Elena

On Love and Loss

How many times have you wanted to go back to the moment you met someone and done something differently-looked the other way, not have been so eager, not followed your heart and therefore never experienced the pain of losing that person? Never gone through the heartache of them not responding, never gone through the knowledge that they preferred someone else's company to yours, never had to redefine who you are without them.

Would you go back and change things, like the Lord Huron song "The Night We Met" tells of, or would you experience it all because it was worth it, like in Garth Brooks' "The Dance"? (If you haven't heard either of these, stop reading right now and listen to them for Pete's sake!)

Friends or lovers, this happens to us all. We outgrow each other's usefulness. We empty our love accounts and look elsewhere. We get hurt so badly that to stay would be an impossibility. Betrayal and apathy can go hand in hand and destroy gleefully. And what are we left with?

When I found out my favorite person in the world had betrayed me, destroyed my trust, and turned my world upside down, I went through so many stages of grief. And I was left with the feeling that I wasn't a whole person without him. Who was I without him? Was I funny and warm and likeable without him being beside me? In addition to all those questions, who would ever love me as much as he did? Who would I ever be so comfortable with, who would always think I was the cutest thing even when I was pissed? Who would know what I was thinking before I spoke and who could I tell ANYTHING to? There couldn't possibly be another soul out in the world who could be all these things for me.

But I met someone else who could do most of these things. And even before our first meeting I realized that I was a whole, wonderful (mostly) person with her own witticisms and jokes and magnetism. Now that relationship has also ended. And though I want to stay friends with this person desperately, I am afraid he will reject that and stop full stop. And I will be the one hurting him and he will have to go through all of the questions and doubt and come out the other side changed. And I will have lost a dear friend.

Fear and comfort keep us in situations which one moment seem wonderful and the next unbearable. We fear change, we fear loss, we fully fear hurting the ones we love. We fear losing their imprint on our soul, their contribution to the creation of the person we are meant to be. And we cry and we ache and we have to do it anyway.

Sometimes I don't know which song I would choose. There is so much joy in other people, in falling in love, in the little day to day glances and touches and smiles that make life worth living. But there is so much pain too! And on dark, lonely nights, the pain and joy get mixed and we lie awake while they war in our heads and our hearts. And the tears fall for both sides, and even still we know that we must move on and be strong and protect our heart for the next soul we loan it to. 

Peace, Love, and late night contemplations

Shanti Elena

Online Dating (The Ongoing Battle for Optimism)

What is up my people? Here I am, late at night, ready again to bare my soul so that I can try to find some peace.

Who among you has tried this current climate of online dating? Do you Tinder? OK Cupid? Coffee and Bagel? Match.com? EHarmony? Bumble? Plenty of Fish? Did you know I've tried ALL OF THESE? And what have I to show for it, you may ask. With as much time, effort, groans, and swipes as I've put in, you'd think I'd be a pro at this madness. I am getting better. And by better I mean so jaded that I don't know if love is even a thing anymore.

It's not all bad, I suppose. There's the initial rush of getting a message from the random dude. Maybe he actually has something interesting to say. Maybe he can spell and use punctuation. Maybe he makes sense. Check check check. Maybe he even asks you out without you having to do all the work of asking him and then picking the place and the time and all the things. Maybe.

And then he gets wasted and gropes you and tells you how good you smell with his rank beer breath suffocating you and all you want the man to do is shoot the friggin pool ball! It's your turn asshole! (I did beat him at pool, just fyi. And left shortly thereafter.)

Most of the dudes I meet are broken. Financially, physically, emotionally, you name it. And I get it, everyone is a little bit broken. I definitely have some jagged bits. But there's only so much broken I can take. And I DO NOT want to fix anyone. I'm not here to save you. I've tried that a couple times, it doesn't work.

My confusion is the way people act on these things. And how important sex is. I know it's important, but it's very all consuming in the majority of situations online. And maybe I'm a prude, but if you ask me what kind of underwear I like to wear, what position I like the best, and when the last time I had sex with someone was before I've even shaken your hand, it's an automatic turn off/creep out for me. And this stuff happens ALL THE TIME.

I've been doing this off and on for five years now. And I'm so tired, you guys. There are two camps when I say this:

First camp: Stop looking and he'll show up. You're trying too hard. Let it happen naturally. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. And so on.

Second Camp: Just keep going. He's out there somewhere. You have to meet a lot of toads before you meet the prince. Don't give up. Have you tried this website?

I'm a little of both camps. I'd love for fate to play a part, to just have the dude of my dreams fall in my lap. But I don't meet dudes. Like, ever. I work swing shift. I don't go out for happy hour. The majority of my friends are married and don't like to go out anymore. They like to stay in. And most everyone they know are taken. And so I feel like if I don't keep putting myself out there online it's tantamount to giving up. And I don't want to give up. I'm a friggin romantic damn it! I want all the cuddles, kisses, companionship, laughter, blushing, teasing, partnership stuff that's to be had.

And so. I battle this on the regular. The jaded, cynical swiping warring with the hopeful, maybe this time please this time excited puppy dance. It really depends on the day which way I'm leaning.

What I do know is that I'm a great person, that people like me, that I'm a catch. So, as the gropey wasted guy kept asking, "how am I still single?"

Because I keep meeting dudes like you. Next.

Peace, love, and romance

Shanti Elena

Life Counts as a Journey

Life counts as a journey, no matter where you are. As this is the case, I'm feeling pretty comfortable continuing with the Journey Journal theme and bringing it back full circle.

Full circle means I'm back where I started a few years ago, living with mom and helping her pay her mortgage while I save my dollars (which it's so nice to be earning again) to accomplish a goal or two. I need to figure out the best goal to aim for at this point in my life: do I buy a house (or condo) so that I have my own place for me and my brood of animals or do I go back to school and save up for an externship to become a imaging tech of some kind? It feels so nice to be earning money again but the current housing market around the Northwest Region of the US is pretty impossible to get into without some major dough. Hence the "what do I want to be when I grow up" speak at almost 40 years old. (EGAD)

There have been some changes in the years since I began this journal. I'm older and wiser, of course. I'm healthier and feel better in my body and with my body. I made many friends and had many adventures and got really poor and got really rich in experiences and I'm so glad to be home and around my loves and I'm actually going to publish my book this year. Yes, this year. I've got an artist working on the cover, I've got a plan, I've got the wherewithal to get this done. Hurray!

And writing is something I miss. Something that I've put down for other pursuits, something that whispers at the back of my mind when I listen to a certain song or look at a certain sky filled with stars or think about the world I inhabit. I need to create and breathe in the wonder and imagination that have been dormant for too long. I need to feel and touch and smile and laugh at the images in my head that need to be conveyed to the page. I'm a storyteller. I need to tell my stories.

And maybe people will like those stories. Maybe they'll want more. And that, ladies and gentleman and everyone in between, is the dream. Let me share what is in my head, what whispers to me in the dark, what twirls through my mind. Let's dance together.

So. Here I am, many months since my last post, reaching out my hand to all of you to once again try this journey of life with me. It's been bumpy and frustrating and hilarious. It's been filled with people and laughter and lonely and sad. It's all the things that make it a journey.

Thank you, and may your day bring you smiles even in the rain.

Peace.

Shanti Elena Hoffman

Hello Summer!

What's up my friends and family?

I've been absent for a long time and thought I should drop in to let you all know that I'm alive, that I haven't abandoned this endeavor completely, and that the adventure continues although it's definitely calmed a bit since the full time work thing began.

I'm still working at HomeGauge software, talking to Home Inspectors on the phone daily, trying to teach them how to use computers. It's entertaining and frustrating all wrapped into one.

I moved to Canton NC in March, into a cute little place with wood floors and two bedrooms and all my own. It's downtown on the top of a hill in a lovely old neighborhood with magnolia trees and statuary and flowers and stone walls everywhere. Walks through the hilly terrain are very lovely and peaceful. Last night Thomas and I got caught in a thunderstorm on one of these walks and by the time we got home we looked like drowned rats. It was very refreshing. (Cold)

The town is interesting, because it centers around a giant paper mill that belches steam day and night, for all the world looking like an apocalyptic futuristic city. The downtown portion of the town is in a severe depression, with businesses closed or closing everywhere you look. Yet the neighborhoods are lovely, the local library beside the cemetery at the top of the hill modern and large. It's a mystery.

Last week I visited the Northwest for what felt like a moment but was in actuality a week. I hadn't been home since August last year and I was mighty homesick and ready to see my friends and family. I got to know Chloe and Audrey all over again. Chloe is 4 and in preschool, Audrey a feisty beautiful 2 year old. They were wonderful. I also got to see my sister and meet her very charming boyfriend Patrick. That was such a treat as well.

This coming weekend I'm driving up to Ohio to a cousin's wedding and Thomas will get to meet my dad. I'm looking forward to seeing more family there.

Last but not least in my world, I've been ordered to post the next installment of my book. I have not been working on it nearly as much as I need to be, and I'm duly chastened. I could blame working full time, having a full time boyfriend, or any such other thing but it all comes down to me being a slacker, and for that I apologize.

Until next time, which I hope will be much sooner than 5 months...

Shanti Elena

It's Wednesday and I've Some Things To Say

It's Wednesday. In a week and a day it will be Christmas. Isn't that insane? Like, where did the year go? I'm sitting at a table in the corner of a cafe, sipping on a hot cocoa that is getting cold. It's in a ridiculously large green mug. I'm waiting for my fellow editor to get here, and he's taking his sweet time. He also might be my boyfriend. I say might because we're feeling out this next level thing, seeing where it goes. But since I have started this new amazing job I've decided that I may be staying here for a while and I figured that having a boyfriend wouldn't be too terrible. Also, did I mention that the job is amazing? I just answered the phone for the first time today, and I really didn't know what I was doing, but it was cool. The people are all very welcoming, and patient, and funny. I think this is going to be very good fit. I'm also looking forward to finding a new place to live in March, and March is also when I'm planning on coming home to visit again. Right around my birthday for about a week. Mark it on your calendars people!

Life seems to be going in an upward spiral and this is good. So good. I have been in not so great a place for a time, what with my money problems and my relationship problems and my missing people I love. The missing is still there, and it's very hard to believe that I will not be home for Christmas this year with my darling family, but I have been adopted by Kate's family for the holiday so that will be a good substitute. 

****pause to talk with my best friend love Jenn****

That was a good talk. I really love that girl. I have finally heard from the editing partner and I'm to meet him at a different location for a little bit of work before I have to head to bed.

XOXOXOXXO

Shanti Elena