It's Awfully Late but the Stars are Still Awake

Or is it early?  I start a new job in two days.  My schedule is going to change DRASTICALLY and it looks like this needs to start tomorrow instead of today.

It's been a self-analytical night.  And I believe that I've been melancholy.  I have proof of this.  I did not go out tonight.  I got all dressed up and then I paused as I was putting my coat on and I thought "I don't want to do this."  And it had absolutely nothing to do with the company I was on my way to keep, as they are all incredibly lovely people.  It had everything to do with me.  And this was alarming, as I'm not an antisocial person.  I thrive in company.  But tonight I just could not, and I do not know why.

Going against type is quite a wake-up call, and during my analysis of my odd behavior I came up with a clue.  So I'm going to share something that I just wrote a little while ago, and perhaps it'll help both of us understand what's going on in my head.  And my heart.

Stars call to me, is it me alone?  Can I wander through the darkness alone forever, the cold beauty of the stars my only companion?  They shine down on me, stars and planets and galaxies, light from thousands and millions and billions of years ago.  Is this why it doesn't fill the void, because in all their beauty the light they shed isn't present in the here and now?  Is this why I crave a hand to hold as I wander the night, my neck craned this way and that, my eyes absorbing this ancient light?  The hand would anchor me, remind me that I exist, that I am human, that I crave and laugh and smile and yes, love.  So much love to give without a tangible outlet is almost painful, a dull echo that reverberates through my body and gets choked off by my smile as I pretend to the world that I’m fine with this.  I’m not, world.  As I pass the hours of this life of mine, I smile and laugh and love, my friends are wonderful, my family is happiness, my ears hear the beauty of music, my eyes see the beauty of the world, but my hands…my skin…they crave the touch of someone.  Someone who will love me for me, who will desire me for me, who will help me be so much more than I could ever be alone. 

I wait patiently, the hours ticking by, for that spark of awareness.  It needs to strike both ways, both that someone and I need to feel it.  Without that I would rather be alone.  Uneven love is painful, heartbreaking, and not worth it. 

So until that time, I wander alone among the stars, or surrounded by loved ones without that touch I crave.  And I wait and watch and hope and dream.  Life doesn’t depend on this happening, but I would like to feel it.  At least once.  

So it's loneliness, right?  But I chose to be alone.  I've chosen to be alone for a few weeks now.  I'm waiting for something, obviously, but I'm not sure what.  And very soon I'll have less time to dwell on it, less time to gaze at the stars and wonder and yearn and crave something intangible.  This will be good, I think.  And in not dwelling, perhaps it will come to pass.  Because it's true that I would like to feel it.  At least once.

Then again, I could just manifest destiny the crap out of it.  Maybe a little of both.

It helps to write, it helps to know that there are those out there who feel/have felt the same way at one point of time or another.  And my happiness is not gone, my optimism is still surrounding me, and my adventure continues.

Peace, Love, and a snippet of Melancholia 

Shanti

Vampires Blog in the Middle of the Night

Hello my lovely friends.  Time for a little bit of catch-up.  Be forewarned, I'm 2 1/2 ciders in, so this could get interesting.

I'm currently awake at 2:39 a.m. on a Thursday early morning.  Tonight I have accomplished a lot, though it's all stuff that needed to be done, regular everyday stuff that accumulates over time.  Floor sweeping, oven cleaning, broken drawer gluing, kitchen cleaning.  I also had an interview today that went really well, though I might not get the job because it's a scheduling only job and the nice lady I interviewed with thinks I'd be more fit for a working with people job.  She's right, of course, though any job is good at this point.  I'm hoping for another that pays better, we shall see.

My month of solitude is almost up, as Kate comes home next week.  I'm so looking forward to seeing her smiling face and hearing all about her adventures in Thailand.  And before that happens, I have a concert to go to on Friday and a birthday party to go to on Saturday.  I still haven't found a dog, though I'm keeping my eyes open.

I've spent a lot of time stargazing and playing with my kitties and staying warm.  I've been drinking more wine than I think I ever have, though just enough for a buzz in the evenings.  I've been listening to my personalized station on Pandora radio, including Lana Del Rey, Loreena McKennit, Sarah McLachlan, Morcheeba, Florence + The Machine, Peter Gabriel, Lindsey Stirling, and Imagine Dragons.  I've also been eating incredibly healthy, and keeping active.

I have not, however, been working on my editing.  Want to know why?  Because I don't think I can do it on my own.  I don't know what to look for.  I need help.  This is lame, and I need to figure out a solution to this conundrum.  If anyone knows anyone who would be willing to take this on with me, let me know please! This has got to get done, dangit.  Been so many long years in coming!

Phew, that's off my chest.  Here's something fun.  I was asked to be a guest blogger on my friend Sarajane's boudoir page.  Now more people get to see my writing, AND she put a link to my blog on there too!  Yay for free exposure!  I love that girl!

I think that's all for now, it's been a very quiet, very relaxing few weeks with a few spikes of adventure sprinkled throughout.  I have learned that I get quite lonely living alone, but there is also a certain freedom to it as well.  Like blaring my music at 3 in the morning.

Peace, love, and nearly ended solitude,

Shanti Elena

Kicking it Old School...as in High School

Hello friends!  Almost halfway through January and I haven't achieved the goals I've set for myself, though I've gotten a start.  As of Tuesday I'll have two job interviews under my belt.  And I went to look at doggies today, and just need to talk to my landlord about getting one.  And I'm on here writing so that's a third goal getting worked on.

Tonight I'm in a better mood because I was productive today.  It's amazing how doing nothing makes me feel so...flat.  I'm also in a better mood because I'm having a doggy sleepover with Kate's darling little dachshund Dali.  My cat's don't know what to think of this as they've had three weeks Dali free.  But they're dealing.  And having Dali here is a treat, I've missed the little pooch!

In regards to the title to this one, while I was home I came across an old binder of mine filled with poems and stories that I'd written in high school.  I wanted to share some with all of you, because I'm a writer and we all came from somewhere.  Beginnings are important, as nothing would happen without them.  I'm transcribing them as they're written, so you all can share in my teenage writing abilities.

PAPER SNOWFLAKES
1997

As the paper snowflakes flutter in the wind, I watch the sky. The storm approaches.
I see the glow of the lightning as it curls and crackles through the darkening night.
The thunder can be heard, very loud. I watch and I am filled with fright.
The wind whips my hair into my eyes, as the glow from the lightning makes the world seem disguised.
I look down to the valley, to the forests and lakes, and far on the horizon, the lightning cuts through the view, striking like snakes.
I see a bolt, a bold and a brave one, strike a tree in the valley.
Fire adds to the night.
As if on my request, a horseman appears.  Clothed in dark robes, and holding a spear.
He rides up the valley wall, controlling the steed.  Ever so gracefully, they pick up speed.
At the top of the hill, he pulls to a halt.  Sitter there, proud, he seems to exalt
the night, the fire, the lightning, the wind.  He looks down at me, I look up at him.
He calls my name quietly, but I hear it over the wind.  I shake my head slowly, tears in my eyes.  He shakes his head and looks up to the sky.
The first raindrops fall, wetting his face.  My hair becomes damp as I stare at that face.  The anguish, the pain, I try to ignore.  But the look in his eyes makes me crave for more.  I run to him, he pulls me up on his steed, and away we ride, feeling the speed.  I glance back at my home I would never see again, and I watch the paper snowflakes fall, one by one, in the wind.


THE BANJO PLAYER
1997

The man sat as he played the old faded banjo.  His tired, bare foot kept time to the beat, tapping on the dirty wood floor.
The warmth from the fire made his dark face glow, but it did not change the expression on it.  As it licked the dry wood, he licked his dry, cracked lips.
He could hear the whistle of the cold winter wind as it blew down the chimney, causing the flames to flicker. He played a louder tune, so as to wipe out the sound of the wind.
Presently, the old door opened, and a large woman scurried in and put the rusted black kettle on the fire. The man played a softer tune as she hummed, and she smiled at him.  Patting his shoulder, she hurried back into the next room.
He stared still at the fire.  He waited as he played a soft tune.  The kettle whistled.  In an instant the large woman had scurried back in and taken the kettle to the next room.  He heard a scream, and he played louder.  The music filled the small room, making it almost happy.
He played and played some more, and watched the fire slowly fade.  He told himself he should put another log on it, but he did not want to stop the music.
Then the large woman came out with a small bundle in her arms.  He stopped his fingers.  The large woman smiled, and nodded her head.  He sighed with a bit of relief mixed up in the sigh.  He set the banjo down.
"Your new son, sir."  The old woman grinned, and handed the now joyful father his son.

SNOW
1998

Whiteness, never-ending whiteness
As far as the eye can see
It's thrilling to play in
Wondrous to breathe.
Slowly floating from above
Looking like the down of a dove
Gently falling on my face, cold and crisp
It has no taste
Looking like the mountains, instead of home
As if the hills have given us a loan
SNOW

Whiteness, never-ending whiteness
As far as the eye can see
Bleak and colorless to the eyes
Dark and looming in the sky
Cold and frozen landscape shows
It's even colder when the evil wind blows
It eats away at your fingers and toes
Shortens your breath, freezes your nose
All you want is to be inside
Snuggling up warm to hide from the
SNOW

Enough for now, more to come if y'all are interested.  Please let me know if you are!

Peace love and teenage writings
Shanti Elena

Endings and Beginnings

Happy New Year and many happy returns to all!

It's time for a year in review, coupled with some searching of souls.  Let's start at the beginning.

January 2013...waiting for the great zombie apocalypse and dreaming of my big move.

February 2013...getting my ducks in a row and letting all know that I'm going to move across the country.

March 2013...quit my job of 12 years, wished my loved ones farewell, drove across the country and arrived in Candler/Asheville North Carolina, my new home.  Also celebrated my 34th birthday.

April-December 2013...decorated my new home, met many new friends, dated a few men, drove around with an old hound dog, his ears flapping in the wind, got rained on lots, swam despite this in Kate's pool, traveled to Charleston SC, Bristol Tennessee, Savannah Georgia, Toccoa Georgia, and along the Blue Ridge Parkway.  Laughed, learned, loved.  Drank whiskey more than I ever had, started a spin class at the gym, raked tons of leaves, weed whacked a ton of grass, had many fires, cooked real food for what feels like the first time (with onions!), started editing my first book, worked at Home Depot for a minute, had family visitors, started this blog.

I'm sure there's more, but you can read about it in my previous blogs if you so desire.

So now we're at December, and the adventures therein.  Molly, my dear friend and roommate, left us here to fend for ourselves without her and her darling Rufus.  She's returned to Wyoming, the land of big skies, cold winters, and cowboys.  She's going to teach those cowboys how to eat healthy and take herbs.  She's on her quest to change the world, one town at a time, beginning with Casper.  I will miss her terribly, but she's where she needs to be and I'm happy for her.

Kate and I are still here, though she is currently in Thailand teaching yoga.  She'll be there until the end of January, which leaves me alone for about a month.

The beginning of 2014 and I have much to accomplish.  I've also learned a few things and plan to put them to use.  Like how to cook healthy meals for myself.  I went grocery shopping today with that in mind, and came home with lots of greens.  They're good for you and you can actually enjoy them too!  I swear!  Another thing I learned is that I'm terrible at online dating.  I just so enjoy meeting new people that I forget that most people on an internet dating site want the romantic thing, and I end up leading them on when I just enjoy their company.  So I'm going to stop that for awhile.  I'm not quite desperate enough to hurt anyone else's feelings.
Instead I plan to do this blog thing, continue editing my book, and get a job.  Yikes, a job!  But seriously, I've had a bit of time off and my savings is telling me this in no uncertain terms.  I also plan to volunteer at the local animal shelter where I'm pretty sure I'm going to fall in love with a dog and take it home with me.  I also plan to spend some time with friends, listen to good music, and enjoy my bed.  Did I mention that I've been gone for a couple of weeks?  I slept SO well last night!  Especially because I landed to a snow/ice storm and my ride couldn't get me, and the power at the airport kept going out, and finally I got a taxi with a nice lady in the same predicament and made it home two hours after I landed.  Oh well, it was an adventure.

My trip home was fantastic, and I got to see so many people who I care about.  I love visiting home, and I love coming back here.  Strange how that works.

There is most assuredly more to come, and I'm very excited to see what this year is going to bring into my life.  And what I will do and where I will go and who I will meet.  The adventure continues, my friends!  As does the journey.  I hope you all are enjoying your journeys as much as I'm enjoying mine!

With love and hope and happiness in the New Year

Shanti Elena

Tranquility

I was asked what five of my favorite things were tonight.  I realized that I have many many favorite things.  It's a cool thing to think about, how much about this world and this existence that I enjoy.  New friends, old friends, all dear.  Family and pets and a warm cozy house and a fire and fresh sheets and stars.  If only I had a hot tub things would be perfect! 

I'm thankful for so much, but I'm hard pressed to express all of these things in writing.  The list would go on and on and with the advent of the Facebook thankfulness countdown I also don't want to appear a copycat.  So instead I'll just say that cheese is one of the things I'm thankful for and leave it at that for now.

We went to a show last weekend where Kate and a bunch of my other friends played music and sang and it was wonderful.  I also got to meet Kate's parents, a lovely couple who we enjoyed so much!  Houseguests are fun! 

Lorraine, Danny, and Kate.  Plus Emmylou, Dali, and Gram

Owen and Kate

So magical when they sing together!

The future is inching up on me and I know that when I visit home the question will happen.  "When are you coming home?"  Or perhaps "What are you planning to do next year?"  And the only answer I'll have is "I don't know."  More probably it will be "Getting a job and publishing a book."  Because both of those things are happening.  Besides that, I'm just not sure.  Cannot predict what will happen as I'm not a soothsayer.  Life is an adventure and I'm strapped in for the ride.  Dude.

The great unknown is sort of what drives me, the seeing what's around the next corner.  I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be ready to settle down, buy a house, etc.  The enticement isn't big enough for me yet to do that.  This is a time of discovery, of seeing who I am without the comforts, of recognizing my strengths and weaknesses and building on the former while breaking down the latter.  Already in my time here I've done so much and seen so much that would have been out of my reach previously, for whatever reason.  Mostly I had to be in a place in my head where I was ready for it.  I'm more there now than I've ever been.  I'm ready for what is around the corner.  I'm still scared sometimes, my self consciousness still rears it's head, but I've accomplished so much in actually just getting in my car and leaving all the known behind that there isn't a whole lot that I believe I can't do these days.  That in itself is reason enough to stick to my guns. 

I hope this Thanksgiving brought everyone happiness, a semblance of peace, and a full belly.  I can't wait to visit home, I can't wait to see people I love, and I can't wait to enjoy life some more.

Yours in tranquility and peacefulness

Shanti Elena

Mama Was Here!

 

It's the middle of November and the weather has been changing drastically.  Today was an exception, being mid-sixties and sunny so that I was able to get a start on the enormous leaf population.  Yesterday it rained and I did nothing but watch Arrested Development all day.  That is why today must be more productive, and this writing is a product that I do not do enough of!  The trees are bare, the temps are dropping to freezing at night, and it actually snowed one afternoon while my mother and I were wandering the downtown of Asheville.

 

Did I mention that my mother came to visit?  It was so wonderful!  She came in on a Saturday and left the following Wednesday.  The first day we hung out at home, then went to our favorite Mexican place with Molly.  The next day dawned sunny and beautiful and Mom and I struck out for the Parkway.  I got some lovely pictures, though I think she has a few more. 

 

The last time I'd been to the Parkway it was overcast and you couldn't see this amazing view!

The problem with visiting the Parkway right before it closes for the winter is that Little Switzerland is closed down.  This had been the plan for lunch, but it was like a ghost town.  After driving around for a bit and asking some locals, we ended up at a place called The Sheperd's Table.  It was full of church crowd folks and had scripture on the walls, and who knew that Jesus liked his food so deep-fried?  These are fried green tomatoes.

 

 

We went on a hike to a falls, and it was pretty steep but I accomplished it with as little muttering as I could.  Then we sped to the second hike that I wanted Mom to see, because the sun was setting quickly.  But the views from the top were amazing.  Check it!

 

 

 

The next day we went on a hike with Molly and ended up getting lost for a bit.  But we did see an owl in a tree!  

He was far away, but if you look carefully you can see him!

Awww!

 

Tuesday is the day it snowed on us downtown, and we also got some Christmas presents for people.  Then Kate got home from her trip to the river and we all went out for German food.  It was delicious!

 

 

It was so lovely catching up with my mama and laughing with her and showing her my environs.  We had such a nice time and she's talking about coming back in the spring when the rhododendrons are in bloom. 

 

Since then I've been pretty unproductive, although I did do a photo shoot this last weekend with my lovely friend Sarajane and I'm keeping the Spin classes going.  I need to work a schedule out for my editing, as I'm on my own at this point.  Self motivation GO!

 

I'll be home the 17th of December through the 2nd of January, and I'm so looking forward to seeing everyone I miss so dearly!  We also have plans next week for a big "Orphan" Thanksgiving, all of us not going home for the holiday.  Tasty goodness!  I'm also very excited for a big show this coming Sunday that a bunch of my musician friends are putting on.  Yay for going out and hearing awesomely talented people!

 

I hope that all are having a lovely lovely autumn, and send motivation my way please!

 

XOXO

 

Shanti

 

 



Spooky Samhain

It's time for a blog, people!  Egad it's been a while, and I have nothing to excuse myself with but lack of initiative.  To combat that, I am now sitting myself down to do what I'm supposed to do, what I actually love to do but what I procrastinate doing so very often.  Phew! 

So.  My last installment was a rant on men, and I'm glad I put that out there.  Helps with the frustration building that dating can inspire.  The last couple of weeks have been taken up with planning for our Halloween party, and as many of you know I never do parties half assed.  It's all out for me.  Perhaps I should be a party planner...but I digress.  Here is a picture timeline:

 

Rufus discovered the Dachshund bed, and has since claimed it as his own.  He doesn't quite fit, but he doesn't quite care either.

 

We have gotten a delivery of wood from a very attractive man named Zack, and we now have an indoor fireplace as well as out, with plenty of fuel for both.  So cozy! 

 

On the Friday before Halloween, we attended a party at our wonderful friend Owen's house and I threw together an improvised vamp costume.  It was 29 degrees that night, and to help with that I drank wine punch, because that's how vampires roll apparently.  I did not, however, sparkle.  Because that's only for pansy vampires.

The Dachshund and the kitties are slowly becoming closer, though Hades and Dali still aren't too sure of the relationship.  This was a rare shot of them sharing the bed, albeit uncomfortably.  Funny side note:  I put Turkish, my white kitty, in her witch costume one day and hollered at Kate to come see.  Dali followed her in, Turkish jumped off the bed in her costume, Dali got excited and cornered her, and Turkish straight turned into a real witch cat and got up on her hind legs and attacked.  I will forever regret that we weren't quick enough to take a photo of this happening, but since then Turkish's fear around the dachshund has disappeared.

 

This is our witch circle I created in the front yard, the heads of which light up.  Spooky!  We've decided to keep it up and decorate them for Christmas. 

 

Bodies that are stuffed with the numerous plastic bags we've been hoarding.  The one on the right was hung in the basement haunted house.  The one on the left is taped with Justin Bieber duct tape, because that is really a thing that they sell.  You know you've made it when they have your picture on duct tape.

 

David demolished our tree fort, and he and I put together this lovely fire pit for the front yard.  I have since been burning leaves in it and that's been very fun and satisfying.  Fire is our friend!

 

Not a great picture day for me or the darling Dali, but her face is priceless!

Smoky Hipler and Marty McFly (David and Kate)

Not so smoky

The hanging corporate man in the blacklight

 

The hanging corporate man with Puss in Boots between his legs

One of our lovely children guests, who was instrumental in scaring the crap out of newcomers to the party

The center of the garage maze, where we set up a séance circle

This spider greeted guests by falling into their faces.  Best $2 Fifty I ever spent!

 

The Trifecta:  Kate as Marty McFly, Molly as Yolandi Visser from Die Antwoord, and Shanti as Puss in Boots

 

And finally, the ghosts I spent so much time on.  They turned out lovely!

Spooky!!

 

 

All my hard work paid off, and we had so much fun!  We even took a few tours into the haunted red house next door.  And get this:  The first two times I ventured into it (during the day), I had to get in through a crack in the far outer wall of the place.  Halloween night, however, both the front and back doors were open.  On top of that, we found a bat in the basement.  And a dude fell partway through the floor.  And at night, it's just darn spooky as hell.

 

Now that the party is over, it's time to focus on my writing.  I have a book to edit, and there's no time for dilly dallying!  Also, my darling Molly is leaving us in a month and a half, so I also want to spend some quality time with her.  We're planning on having a nice Thanksgiving, and then I come home for two weeks over Christmas.  Life is still good, Fall here is lovely but cold, and I'm excited to see what adventures await me in the upcoming months. 

 

I hope all are doing well and that you had spooktacular Halloweens.  Much love and kisses,

 

Shanti Elena