Online Dating (The Ongoing Battle for Optimism)

What is up my people? Here I am, late at night, ready again to bare my soul so that I can try to find some peace.

Who among you has tried this current climate of online dating? Do you Tinder? OK Cupid? Coffee and Bagel? Match.com? EHarmony? Bumble? Plenty of Fish? Did you know I've tried ALL OF THESE? And what have I to show for it, you may ask. With as much time, effort, groans, and swipes as I've put in, you'd think I'd be a pro at this madness. I am getting better. And by better I mean so jaded that I don't know if love is even a thing anymore.

It's not all bad, I suppose. There's the initial rush of getting a message from the random dude. Maybe he actually has something interesting to say. Maybe he can spell and use punctuation. Maybe he makes sense. Check check check. Maybe he even asks you out without you having to do all the work of asking him and then picking the place and the time and all the things. Maybe.

And then he gets wasted and gropes you and tells you how good you smell with his rank beer breath suffocating you and all you want the man to do is shoot the friggin pool ball! It's your turn asshole! (I did beat him at pool, just fyi. And left shortly thereafter.)

Most of the dudes I meet are broken. Financially, physically, emotionally, you name it. And I get it, everyone is a little bit broken. I definitely have some jagged bits. But there's only so much broken I can take. And I DO NOT want to fix anyone. I'm not here to save you. I've tried that a couple times, it doesn't work.

My confusion is the way people act on these things. And how important sex is. I know it's important, but it's very all consuming in the majority of situations online. And maybe I'm a prude, but if you ask me what kind of underwear I like to wear, what position I like the best, and when the last time I had sex with someone was before I've even shaken your hand, it's an automatic turn off/creep out for me. And this stuff happens ALL THE TIME.

I've been doing this off and on for five years now. And I'm so tired, you guys. There are two camps when I say this:

First camp: Stop looking and he'll show up. You're trying too hard. Let it happen naturally. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. And so on.

Second Camp: Just keep going. He's out there somewhere. You have to meet a lot of toads before you meet the prince. Don't give up. Have you tried this website?

I'm a little of both camps. I'd love for fate to play a part, to just have the dude of my dreams fall in my lap. But I don't meet dudes. Like, ever. I work swing shift. I don't go out for happy hour. The majority of my friends are married and don't like to go out anymore. They like to stay in. And most everyone they know are taken. And so I feel like if I don't keep putting myself out there online it's tantamount to giving up. And I don't want to give up. I'm a friggin romantic damn it! I want all the cuddles, kisses, companionship, laughter, blushing, teasing, partnership stuff that's to be had.

And so. I battle this on the regular. The jaded, cynical swiping warring with the hopeful, maybe this time please this time excited puppy dance. It really depends on the day which way I'm leaning.

What I do know is that I'm a great person, that people like me, that I'm a catch. So, as the gropey wasted guy kept asking, "how am I still single?"

Because I keep meeting dudes like you. Next.

Peace, love, and romance

Shanti Elena

Life Counts as a Journey

Life counts as a journey, no matter where you are. As this is the case, I'm feeling pretty comfortable continuing with the Journey Journal theme and bringing it back full circle.

Full circle means I'm back where I started a few years ago, living with mom and helping her pay her mortgage while I save my dollars (which it's so nice to be earning again) to accomplish a goal or two. I need to figure out the best goal to aim for at this point in my life: do I buy a house (or condo) so that I have my own place for me and my brood of animals or do I go back to school and save up for an externship to become a imaging tech of some kind? It feels so nice to be earning money again but the current housing market around the Northwest Region of the US is pretty impossible to get into without some major dough. Hence the "what do I want to be when I grow up" speak at almost 40 years old. (EGAD)

There have been some changes in the years since I began this journal. I'm older and wiser, of course. I'm healthier and feel better in my body and with my body. I made many friends and had many adventures and got really poor and got really rich in experiences and I'm so glad to be home and around my loves and I'm actually going to publish my book this year. Yes, this year. I've got an artist working on the cover, I've got a plan, I've got the wherewithal to get this done. Hurray!

And writing is something I miss. Something that I've put down for other pursuits, something that whispers at the back of my mind when I listen to a certain song or look at a certain sky filled with stars or think about the world I inhabit. I need to create and breathe in the wonder and imagination that have been dormant for too long. I need to feel and touch and smile and laugh at the images in my head that need to be conveyed to the page. I'm a storyteller. I need to tell my stories.

And maybe people will like those stories. Maybe they'll want more. And that, ladies and gentleman and everyone in between, is the dream. Let me share what is in my head, what whispers to me in the dark, what twirls through my mind. Let's dance together.

So. Here I am, many months since my last post, reaching out my hand to all of you to once again try this journey of life with me. It's been bumpy and frustrating and hilarious. It's been filled with people and laughter and lonely and sad. It's all the things that make it a journey.

Thank you, and may your day bring you smiles even in the rain.

Peace.

Shanti Elena Hoffman

Hello Summer!

What's up my friends and family?

I've been absent for a long time and thought I should drop in to let you all know that I'm alive, that I haven't abandoned this endeavor completely, and that the adventure continues although it's definitely calmed a bit since the full time work thing began.

I'm still working at HomeGauge software, talking to Home Inspectors on the phone daily, trying to teach them how to use computers. It's entertaining and frustrating all wrapped into one.

I moved to Canton NC in March, into a cute little place with wood floors and two bedrooms and all my own. It's downtown on the top of a hill in a lovely old neighborhood with magnolia trees and statuary and flowers and stone walls everywhere. Walks through the hilly terrain are very lovely and peaceful. Last night Thomas and I got caught in a thunderstorm on one of these walks and by the time we got home we looked like drowned rats. It was very refreshing. (Cold)

The town is interesting, because it centers around a giant paper mill that belches steam day and night, for all the world looking like an apocalyptic futuristic city. The downtown portion of the town is in a severe depression, with businesses closed or closing everywhere you look. Yet the neighborhoods are lovely, the local library beside the cemetery at the top of the hill modern and large. It's a mystery.

Last week I visited the Northwest for what felt like a moment but was in actuality a week. I hadn't been home since August last year and I was mighty homesick and ready to see my friends and family. I got to know Chloe and Audrey all over again. Chloe is 4 and in preschool, Audrey a feisty beautiful 2 year old. They were wonderful. I also got to see my sister and meet her very charming boyfriend Patrick. That was such a treat as well.

This coming weekend I'm driving up to Ohio to a cousin's wedding and Thomas will get to meet my dad. I'm looking forward to seeing more family there.

Last but not least in my world, I've been ordered to post the next installment of my book. I have not been working on it nearly as much as I need to be, and I'm duly chastened. I could blame working full time, having a full time boyfriend, or any such other thing but it all comes down to me being a slacker, and for that I apologize.

Until next time, which I hope will be much sooner than 5 months...

Shanti Elena

It's Wednesday and I've Some Things To Say

It's Wednesday. In a week and a day it will be Christmas. Isn't that insane? Like, where did the year go? I'm sitting at a table in the corner of a cafe, sipping on a hot cocoa that is getting cold. It's in a ridiculously large green mug. I'm waiting for my fellow editor to get here, and he's taking his sweet time. He also might be my boyfriend. I say might because we're feeling out this next level thing, seeing where it goes. But since I have started this new amazing job I've decided that I may be staying here for a while and I figured that having a boyfriend wouldn't be too terrible. Also, did I mention that the job is amazing? I just answered the phone for the first time today, and I really didn't know what I was doing, but it was cool. The people are all very welcoming, and patient, and funny. I think this is going to be very good fit. I'm also looking forward to finding a new place to live in March, and March is also when I'm planning on coming home to visit again. Right around my birthday for about a week. Mark it on your calendars people!

Life seems to be going in an upward spiral and this is good. So good. I have been in not so great a place for a time, what with my money problems and my relationship problems and my missing people I love. The missing is still there, and it's very hard to believe that I will not be home for Christmas this year with my darling family, but I have been adopted by Kate's family for the holiday so that will be a good substitute. 

****pause to talk with my best friend love Jenn****

That was a good talk. I really love that girl. I have finally heard from the editing partner and I'm to meet him at a different location for a little bit of work before I have to head to bed.

XOXOXOXXO

Shanti Elena

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! It's interesting that Southerners pronounce it differently than the folks from where I'm from. They say Thanksgiving while I'm used to Thanksgiving. It's the little things, I tell ya.

I have been working on my book a little. I also had a job interview today that I'm excited about. But I'm not going to jinx it so we'll leave it at that. Also, a special shout out to my family on this holiday, I sure miss you folks!

A quick list of what I'm thankful for:

Snuggling
Warmth
Kitties
Pandora radio
My imagination
Good food
Coffee
Friends
Laughter
Dachshunds

And most especially my loved ones. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Weekends with Good People

Hello my friends! I wanted to give all a quick update on what's been happening with me. This past weekend I took a couple days off of work and headed east with Kate and Dali to her parent's house and then on to the Atlantic coast and her godparent's house at Clubfoot Creek. It was glorious, so wonderful to get away from it all for a couple of days! Here are some pictures for you!

 The beginning of our road trip!

 My bed in Greenville, being very tall

 Clubfoot Creek

 Purty Marshes

 More purty marshes

 Sunset

 Turkeys with hats at sunset. Kate thought this was a real turkey from far away

 Cool Ol' Tree

 The moon over Clubfoot Creek

 There was a three month old baby girl there. We were friends :)

 Pretty contrast pictures. Dali and I were on a walk when I snapped this one.

The Temple Home Place. Been in the same family since 1890.

 Oyster Fest at the Beast Feast that we attended.

And last but not least, horizontal streetlights which are just confusing as all get out.

It was a great weekend, and today I went back to work. Speaking of work, I'm still searching for something that will get me a savings again. And I'm still blogging my edited book, if you haven't checked that out I hope you will.  And I hope all are well and happy.

Shanti Elena

Animals in the Summertime

Hello and happy almost end of summer! It's been a fun one, though full of deli working and sleepiness. They've had me working mornings at the deli and it's so hard to wake that early! I have a feeling I'm going to be a swinger for life. Swing shift, I mean. They call it second shift here. 

Here is pretty good. I've met some fun people at Ingles deli and I hope to maintain relationships with some of them beyond me working there. I am an expert meat slicer and suggestive seller of cheeses. I can make sub sandwiches like a pro. And I've never been better at pulling chickens apart. I don't believe that this is my new life's work, but it's pretty fun anyway. It's currently 8:20pm on a Thursday, and it's so warm and sticky it's almost unbearable. I'm thinking a shower is in order. I also fly away in two days to visit my lovely hometown and see the wee nieces and sister and brother and sis in law and mother and father and all my friends that I miss so much. Thank you so much for the assistance in this, Little Smell!  

Speaking of assistance, I don't think I've ever been this broke.  And it's a very interesting place to be.  Living below the poverty line is something that I've never done, and it's uncomfortable and fascinating. I wouldn't recommend it, but there are amazing ways to save money. Like don't spend it. I've been going on hikes and watching movies and cooking chickens at home and not buying anything new. When I have money again I desperately need to clothes shop! All part of the adventure, the learning curves of life. I start a new job when I get back from visiting home, at the Asheville Airport.  Hopefully this will help yank me out of this hole I've dug for myself. No worries folks, I'm really doing fine. I can still afford wine every once in awhile, so life is good!

Another thing I've been doing is spending lots and lots of time with friends' animals.  Arnie, Dali, Emmy Lou, Gram, and Mack the kitty. Friends like me to watch their critters, and I have to say it's something I'm awesome at.  Here they are, in a summer picture show for your enjoyment!

Arnie and Dali and their Auntie Shanti on the couch

Not an animal, but a summer moon 

My Turkish the bad kitty. I love her even though she can't stop peeing on things

Dali and a cool bendy tree on a hike to Skinny Dip Falls off of the Blue Ridge Parkway

Me! At Skinny Dip Falls

Bathing beauty Kate and Dali in her pink life vest.  Awesomeness. And speaking of Kate, she's gone for two months gallivanting on the other side of the world. Lucky girl!

My garden!  Peppers! Basil! Oh my!

Pic of the field by our house at dusk. Camera is pointed at our house, waaay on the other side. There are many many tomatoes in this field.

Arnie and Dali cuddle, while Emmy Lou looks on

Handsomest Arnie on a hike with me to Bradley Falls

Couch of babes

Kate played a show, and opened for this guy's band. This guy also plays the chicken cage. He was a hoot!

Hades is black and therefore hard to see while we snuggle

A NC stream on the way to Bradley Falls take 2

I'm watching my friend Jaci's kitties, and this is Mack.  He has lots of toes.  Like, 7 per paw

Black and white spots spotted on the front porch table! Taken this evening.

So that's been my summer in a nutshell.  Working and playing as often as possible, dealing with grouchy kitties and multiple doggies and loving all the furry ones.  It still rains a lot here, though not as much as last year.  It's still mega humid, but it's kinda normalizing for me now.  Sort of.  And I'm sort of dating a dude now, which is nice. No future plans there, very very day to day. But though men are confusing and ridiculous at times, I do so enjoy them.

Gosh, I'm just stoked to visit home. And start a new job. And figure out life some more. Thanks for sticking with me through all the changes, trials, tribulations, and stuff.  Love you all.

XOXO

Shanti Elena