Peace, Nostalgia, and Loneliness on a Saturday Night

There is something to be said for quiet Saturday nights, the chirping of myriad insects and music on my laptop.  Peace is what this brings, in an otherwise hectic world.  Peace and a certain nostalgia, and a dash of loneliness.

Potent mixes bring out the deepest of thinking.  Let's focus on one at a time, shall we?

PEACE

My name, Shanti, means this in Sanskrit.  I wish for this in the world, but I believe most but the warmongering big corporations wish the same.  I find this in music, in the babbling stream, in watching the fireflies dance and sitting around a crackling fire.  I feel this with close friends, with laughter and fresh night air.  I find this in the morning as I go on break at work, watching the sun rise and feeling the heavy morning air against my skin and filling my lungs.  A full wallet, cuddling with my cat, accomplishing a daunting task, all bring this feeling.  After an orgasm does too.

NOSTALGIA

Oh, for the good old days to be here again!  This is a sentiment heard over and over from longtime friends reminiscing about how life used to be so much easier and enjoyable before bills, marriage, children, and 40 hour+ workweeks became the norm.  Longing for the carefree days of youth, when all you had to worry about was getting to school on time and what the plans for next weekend were.  This is all a misconception, of course, time making things seem rosier and better.  There was a lot of crap to worry about back then, a lot of crap that we had to go through to become the people we are today.  It was hard decisions, calculated risks, worry about popularity, weight, and zits.  One thing that hasn't changed is the worrying about relationships.  Will I ever meet "the one"?  When will I have kids?  Do I even want to get married?  What do I want to be when I grow up?

My senior year of high school we filled out a questionnaire about where we wanted to be in ten years.  I wrote that I wanted to write, on a boat, sailing around the world.  28 was six years ago, and now that I'm the ripe old age of *gasp* 34 I look back on those plans with a smile that has a little bit of brittleness around the edges.  I've never stopped being idealistic, but realistic burst in somewhere along the line to ride shotgun.   I also would be married by 28 and have my first kid by 30.  Ha. So much for teenage Shanti's plans.

On the plus side, I have written, am writing, and will continue to write for the foreseeable future.  I no longer plan on marriage, knowing it will happen if it's meant to but I've stopped holding my breath.  Children?  Yes please, at least one.  35 was to be that age, so coined at age 30.  That's a short eight months from now, so I better get started!  See how silly this planning stuff is?  But without plans, what is there to strive for?  Without hopes and dreams, what is the point of all of this?

And I still do not know what I want to be when I grow up, except happy.  I definitely want to continue being happy.

LONELINESS

What would you be willing to sacrifice in exchange for a warm body in your bed at night?  What would you be willing to risk to let another person into the innermost sanctum of yourself?  Where do you find someone who is work the risks, worth the trust, worth the compromise? 

I am alone, and I have been for some time.  Charlie was around for many many years, but not in the way I ever perceived as a "healthy relationship".  With him I sacrificed so much to have that warm body, and I risked heartbreak with my trust.  I dated a kid named Robert when I was 20 for two months, and while it was fun for a bit, it ended, again, with anger and without closure.  I have since come to a realization about a few things. 
1.  I'm extremely picky. 
2.  I have no idea how to tell if a man is interested in me unless he shouts it at me
3.  I'm tired of being lonely but I don't know exactly what I'm looking for in a relationship
4.  I want to be able to enjoy my sexual prime with someone before it ends
5.  I am deathly afraid of feeling trapped

So.  It's a bit of a catch 22, this relationship business.  Sacrifice for serenity, or something along those lines.  I'm a very independent woman, and a man who is willing to love me for and despite this is a keeper.  As long as he's a bunch of other things that I know I want in a man.  Picky.


Instead of dwelling too much on the state of my peace, nostalgia, and loneliness, I've decided to get a puppy.  Probably not for a few months, but it's in the plans in the life of Shanti.  I've never had my own dog, and it's an adventure I'm ready for.  Said puppy will keep me company, go on walks and hikes with me, and shower me with love when I get home.  Less complicated than a man, if somewhat lacking in conversation skills and other things.  I don't know if everyone knows this or not, but my lease is up at the end of February and I have not yet decided where I'm going next.  I don't plan on staying in Asheville, but I'm not sure I'll be ready to go home yet. 

Thank you for reading this tidbit in the musings of me.  Sorry I'm a bit behind in the blogging, but I hope this partway makes up for that. 

Peace

Shanti Elena