It's Awfully Late but the Stars are Still Awake

Or is it early?  I start a new job in two days.  My schedule is going to change DRASTICALLY and it looks like this needs to start tomorrow instead of today.

It's been a self-analytical night.  And I believe that I've been melancholy.  I have proof of this.  I did not go out tonight.  I got all dressed up and then I paused as I was putting my coat on and I thought "I don't want to do this."  And it had absolutely nothing to do with the company I was on my way to keep, as they are all incredibly lovely people.  It had everything to do with me.  And this was alarming, as I'm not an antisocial person.  I thrive in company.  But tonight I just could not, and I do not know why.

Going against type is quite a wake-up call, and during my analysis of my odd behavior I came up with a clue.  So I'm going to share something that I just wrote a little while ago, and perhaps it'll help both of us understand what's going on in my head.  And my heart.

Stars call to me, is it me alone?  Can I wander through the darkness alone forever, the cold beauty of the stars my only companion?  They shine down on me, stars and planets and galaxies, light from thousands and millions and billions of years ago.  Is this why it doesn't fill the void, because in all their beauty the light they shed isn't present in the here and now?  Is this why I crave a hand to hold as I wander the night, my neck craned this way and that, my eyes absorbing this ancient light?  The hand would anchor me, remind me that I exist, that I am human, that I crave and laugh and smile and yes, love.  So much love to give without a tangible outlet is almost painful, a dull echo that reverberates through my body and gets choked off by my smile as I pretend to the world that I’m fine with this.  I’m not, world.  As I pass the hours of this life of mine, I smile and laugh and love, my friends are wonderful, my family is happiness, my ears hear the beauty of music, my eyes see the beauty of the world, but my hands…my skin…they crave the touch of someone.  Someone who will love me for me, who will desire me for me, who will help me be so much more than I could ever be alone. 

I wait patiently, the hours ticking by, for that spark of awareness.  It needs to strike both ways, both that someone and I need to feel it.  Without that I would rather be alone.  Uneven love is painful, heartbreaking, and not worth it. 

So until that time, I wander alone among the stars, or surrounded by loved ones without that touch I crave.  And I wait and watch and hope and dream.  Life doesn’t depend on this happening, but I would like to feel it.  At least once.  

So it's loneliness, right?  But I chose to be alone.  I've chosen to be alone for a few weeks now.  I'm waiting for something, obviously, but I'm not sure what.  And very soon I'll have less time to dwell on it, less time to gaze at the stars and wonder and yearn and crave something intangible.  This will be good, I think.  And in not dwelling, perhaps it will come to pass.  Because it's true that I would like to feel it.  At least once.

Then again, I could just manifest destiny the crap out of it.  Maybe a little of both.

It helps to write, it helps to know that there are those out there who feel/have felt the same way at one point of time or another.  And my happiness is not gone, my optimism is still surrounding me, and my adventure continues.

Peace, Love, and a snippet of Melancholia 

Shanti

Vampires Blog in the Middle of the Night

Hello my lovely friends.  Time for a little bit of catch-up.  Be forewarned, I'm 2 1/2 ciders in, so this could get interesting.

I'm currently awake at 2:39 a.m. on a Thursday early morning.  Tonight I have accomplished a lot, though it's all stuff that needed to be done, regular everyday stuff that accumulates over time.  Floor sweeping, oven cleaning, broken drawer gluing, kitchen cleaning.  I also had an interview today that went really well, though I might not get the job because it's a scheduling only job and the nice lady I interviewed with thinks I'd be more fit for a working with people job.  She's right, of course, though any job is good at this point.  I'm hoping for another that pays better, we shall see.

My month of solitude is almost up, as Kate comes home next week.  I'm so looking forward to seeing her smiling face and hearing all about her adventures in Thailand.  And before that happens, I have a concert to go to on Friday and a birthday party to go to on Saturday.  I still haven't found a dog, though I'm keeping my eyes open.

I've spent a lot of time stargazing and playing with my kitties and staying warm.  I've been drinking more wine than I think I ever have, though just enough for a buzz in the evenings.  I've been listening to my personalized station on Pandora radio, including Lana Del Rey, Loreena McKennit, Sarah McLachlan, Morcheeba, Florence + The Machine, Peter Gabriel, Lindsey Stirling, and Imagine Dragons.  I've also been eating incredibly healthy, and keeping active.

I have not, however, been working on my editing.  Want to know why?  Because I don't think I can do it on my own.  I don't know what to look for.  I need help.  This is lame, and I need to figure out a solution to this conundrum.  If anyone knows anyone who would be willing to take this on with me, let me know please! This has got to get done, dangit.  Been so many long years in coming!

Phew, that's off my chest.  Here's something fun.  I was asked to be a guest blogger on my friend Sarajane's boudoir page.  Now more people get to see my writing, AND she put a link to my blog on there too!  Yay for free exposure!  I love that girl!

I think that's all for now, it's been a very quiet, very relaxing few weeks with a few spikes of adventure sprinkled throughout.  I have learned that I get quite lonely living alone, but there is also a certain freedom to it as well.  Like blaring my music at 3 in the morning.

Peace, love, and nearly ended solitude,

Shanti Elena

Kicking it Old School...as in High School

Hello friends!  Almost halfway through January and I haven't achieved the goals I've set for myself, though I've gotten a start.  As of Tuesday I'll have two job interviews under my belt.  And I went to look at doggies today, and just need to talk to my landlord about getting one.  And I'm on here writing so that's a third goal getting worked on.

Tonight I'm in a better mood because I was productive today.  It's amazing how doing nothing makes me feel so...flat.  I'm also in a better mood because I'm having a doggy sleepover with Kate's darling little dachshund Dali.  My cat's don't know what to think of this as they've had three weeks Dali free.  But they're dealing.  And having Dali here is a treat, I've missed the little pooch!

In regards to the title to this one, while I was home I came across an old binder of mine filled with poems and stories that I'd written in high school.  I wanted to share some with all of you, because I'm a writer and we all came from somewhere.  Beginnings are important, as nothing would happen without them.  I'm transcribing them as they're written, so you all can share in my teenage writing abilities.

PAPER SNOWFLAKES
1997

As the paper snowflakes flutter in the wind, I watch the sky. The storm approaches.
I see the glow of the lightning as it curls and crackles through the darkening night.
The thunder can be heard, very loud. I watch and I am filled with fright.
The wind whips my hair into my eyes, as the glow from the lightning makes the world seem disguised.
I look down to the valley, to the forests and lakes, and far on the horizon, the lightning cuts through the view, striking like snakes.
I see a bolt, a bold and a brave one, strike a tree in the valley.
Fire adds to the night.
As if on my request, a horseman appears.  Clothed in dark robes, and holding a spear.
He rides up the valley wall, controlling the steed.  Ever so gracefully, they pick up speed.
At the top of the hill, he pulls to a halt.  Sitter there, proud, he seems to exalt
the night, the fire, the lightning, the wind.  He looks down at me, I look up at him.
He calls my name quietly, but I hear it over the wind.  I shake my head slowly, tears in my eyes.  He shakes his head and looks up to the sky.
The first raindrops fall, wetting his face.  My hair becomes damp as I stare at that face.  The anguish, the pain, I try to ignore.  But the look in his eyes makes me crave for more.  I run to him, he pulls me up on his steed, and away we ride, feeling the speed.  I glance back at my home I would never see again, and I watch the paper snowflakes fall, one by one, in the wind.


THE BANJO PLAYER
1997

The man sat as he played the old faded banjo.  His tired, bare foot kept time to the beat, tapping on the dirty wood floor.
The warmth from the fire made his dark face glow, but it did not change the expression on it.  As it licked the dry wood, he licked his dry, cracked lips.
He could hear the whistle of the cold winter wind as it blew down the chimney, causing the flames to flicker. He played a louder tune, so as to wipe out the sound of the wind.
Presently, the old door opened, and a large woman scurried in and put the rusted black kettle on the fire. The man played a softer tune as she hummed, and she smiled at him.  Patting his shoulder, she hurried back into the next room.
He stared still at the fire.  He waited as he played a soft tune.  The kettle whistled.  In an instant the large woman had scurried back in and taken the kettle to the next room.  He heard a scream, and he played louder.  The music filled the small room, making it almost happy.
He played and played some more, and watched the fire slowly fade.  He told himself he should put another log on it, but he did not want to stop the music.
Then the large woman came out with a small bundle in her arms.  He stopped his fingers.  The large woman smiled, and nodded her head.  He sighed with a bit of relief mixed up in the sigh.  He set the banjo down.
"Your new son, sir."  The old woman grinned, and handed the now joyful father his son.

SNOW
1998

Whiteness, never-ending whiteness
As far as the eye can see
It's thrilling to play in
Wondrous to breathe.
Slowly floating from above
Looking like the down of a dove
Gently falling on my face, cold and crisp
It has no taste
Looking like the mountains, instead of home
As if the hills have given us a loan
SNOW

Whiteness, never-ending whiteness
As far as the eye can see
Bleak and colorless to the eyes
Dark and looming in the sky
Cold and frozen landscape shows
It's even colder when the evil wind blows
It eats away at your fingers and toes
Shortens your breath, freezes your nose
All you want is to be inside
Snuggling up warm to hide from the
SNOW

Enough for now, more to come if y'all are interested.  Please let me know if you are!

Peace love and teenage writings
Shanti Elena

Endings and Beginnings

Happy New Year and many happy returns to all!

It's time for a year in review, coupled with some searching of souls.  Let's start at the beginning.

January 2013...waiting for the great zombie apocalypse and dreaming of my big move.

February 2013...getting my ducks in a row and letting all know that I'm going to move across the country.

March 2013...quit my job of 12 years, wished my loved ones farewell, drove across the country and arrived in Candler/Asheville North Carolina, my new home.  Also celebrated my 34th birthday.

April-December 2013...decorated my new home, met many new friends, dated a few men, drove around with an old hound dog, his ears flapping in the wind, got rained on lots, swam despite this in Kate's pool, traveled to Charleston SC, Bristol Tennessee, Savannah Georgia, Toccoa Georgia, and along the Blue Ridge Parkway.  Laughed, learned, loved.  Drank whiskey more than I ever had, started a spin class at the gym, raked tons of leaves, weed whacked a ton of grass, had many fires, cooked real food for what feels like the first time (with onions!), started editing my first book, worked at Home Depot for a minute, had family visitors, started this blog.

I'm sure there's more, but you can read about it in my previous blogs if you so desire.

So now we're at December, and the adventures therein.  Molly, my dear friend and roommate, left us here to fend for ourselves without her and her darling Rufus.  She's returned to Wyoming, the land of big skies, cold winters, and cowboys.  She's going to teach those cowboys how to eat healthy and take herbs.  She's on her quest to change the world, one town at a time, beginning with Casper.  I will miss her terribly, but she's where she needs to be and I'm happy for her.

Kate and I are still here, though she is currently in Thailand teaching yoga.  She'll be there until the end of January, which leaves me alone for about a month.

The beginning of 2014 and I have much to accomplish.  I've also learned a few things and plan to put them to use.  Like how to cook healthy meals for myself.  I went grocery shopping today with that in mind, and came home with lots of greens.  They're good for you and you can actually enjoy them too!  I swear!  Another thing I learned is that I'm terrible at online dating.  I just so enjoy meeting new people that I forget that most people on an internet dating site want the romantic thing, and I end up leading them on when I just enjoy their company.  So I'm going to stop that for awhile.  I'm not quite desperate enough to hurt anyone else's feelings.
Instead I plan to do this blog thing, continue editing my book, and get a job.  Yikes, a job!  But seriously, I've had a bit of time off and my savings is telling me this in no uncertain terms.  I also plan to volunteer at the local animal shelter where I'm pretty sure I'm going to fall in love with a dog and take it home with me.  I also plan to spend some time with friends, listen to good music, and enjoy my bed.  Did I mention that I've been gone for a couple of weeks?  I slept SO well last night!  Especially because I landed to a snow/ice storm and my ride couldn't get me, and the power at the airport kept going out, and finally I got a taxi with a nice lady in the same predicament and made it home two hours after I landed.  Oh well, it was an adventure.

My trip home was fantastic, and I got to see so many people who I care about.  I love visiting home, and I love coming back here.  Strange how that works.

There is most assuredly more to come, and I'm very excited to see what this year is going to bring into my life.  And what I will do and where I will go and who I will meet.  The adventure continues, my friends!  As does the journey.  I hope you all are enjoying your journeys as much as I'm enjoying mine!

With love and hope and happiness in the New Year

Shanti Elena