1. a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.
2. the belief that good ultimately predominates over evil in the world.
3. the belief that goodness pervades reality.
Today I've decided to write not so much about what I'm doing, as what I'm thinking and feeling. There is a feeling in the air, a heavy moisture that is pervading everything from my sheets to my towels to the fruit in the kitchen. Bottles and glasses weep copious amounts of moisture over everything. My skin has not been dry in weeks. I find myself enjoying the dry air conditioning that is in the car, as it's an escape from the damp. This has been the topic of conversation around our house: why is everything so wet!
Humidity aside, have any of you experienced the bugs out here? Crazy amounts of buzzing, flitting, pervasive little beasties that won't stay out of the house no matter what we do. They mostly enjoy my room, for some reason. The other night I went on a bug-killing rampage because I'd simply had enough and they were everywhere! My stance on them has changed, as before I thought all little creatures (except mosquitos) deserved a fair chance at life. Now I don't care anymore. If they stay out of my space, they are free to flit and buzz and live their little bug lives. They haven't learned their lessons yet, but I'm hoping they soon will. I'm not normally a violent person, but they have pushed me over the edge.
Let me allude to the opening definition for a moment. And let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time there was a sad little girl. She escaped the sadness by writing and reading, and generally acting goofy to get attention. When she became a teenager she made a very nice group of friends, and for the first time she had a buzzing social life and reasons to smile. When she was seventeen she met a boy, and she fell for him. They dated for awhile, but she realized they were better off as friends. For years and years the two of them were inseparable, and though at times she knew that he was holding her back, he was comfortable and familiar and treated her like a princess. Her twenties flew by, parties and friends and a good job. She lived in many different places, and always this boy followed her and slept on couches or on floors just to be near her. He loved her, see, this boy. And she loved him in her own way.
Then it happened. She found out that he had betrayed her in a terrible way, and her world stopped. Her heart stopped. She was lost, numb, and couldn't quite grasp what had happened. She couldn't understand any of it. She talked endlessly in circles with her loved ones, and they were all sympathetic, they were all supportive. And they were all as shocked as she was.
She had to learn to be herself again. She had to learn how to be her without him. She was so scared that he defined her, that she was who she was because of him. And slowly, through the pain and the grief and the anger and the eventual healing, she realized that she was herself because of her. He had been a big part of her life, but he did not define her or make her who she was. She was funny and pretty and witty and creative and loving and he had nothing to do with any of it. As soon as she realized this, she stopped being so lost and sad. She started smiling again. She started grasping life and love again. And she decided that it was time to start that life in the way that she wanted to. To begin anew, to meet new people, have new experiences, and see new places. So she up and moved across the country and here she is.
The correlation between this story and the definition at the beginning of the page is this: at any time, the past could have defined this girl. Her tumultuous, sad childhood, her eventual betrayal by the one person she trusted the most in the world. And she chose to not let this happen. She chose to trust people despite what happened. She chose to look forward with strength and openness. She chose to see the world as a good place, a happy place, despite all the terribleness that is out there. She was hurt and betrayed, but she survived and grew and became stronger for it. She is not a hermit, a cynic, or a bitter complainer. She is healthy and happy and embraces life.
She is me. I am her. And I still believe that everything happens for a reason. I still believe that there are more good people in the world than bad. And I still believe in miracles.
I am an optimist. And I am proud of it.
Shanti Elena
You are so amazing. I feel blessed to have had you in my life. You hit the nail on the head, you are you because of you and no one else and what you are is beautiful! Love you, Shanti.
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