How many times have you wanted to go back to the moment you met someone and done something differently-looked the other way, not have been so eager, not followed your heart and therefore never experienced the pain of losing that person? Never gone through the heartache of them not responding, never gone through the knowledge that they preferred someone else's company to yours, never had to redefine who you are without them.
Would you go back and change things, like the Lord Huron song "The Night We Met" tells of, or would you experience it all because it was worth it, like in Garth Brooks' "The Dance"? (If you haven't heard either of these, stop reading right now and listen to them for Pete's sake!)
Friends or lovers, this happens to us all. We outgrow each other's usefulness. We empty our love accounts and look elsewhere. We get hurt so badly that to stay would be an impossibility. Betrayal and apathy can go hand in hand and destroy gleefully. And what are we left with?
When I found out my favorite person in the world had betrayed me, destroyed my trust, and turned my world upside down, I went through so many stages of grief. And I was left with the feeling that I wasn't a whole person without him. Who was I without him? Was I funny and warm and likeable without him being beside me? In addition to all those questions, who would ever love me as much as he did? Who would I ever be so comfortable with, who would always think I was the cutest thing even when I was pissed? Who would know what I was thinking before I spoke and who could I tell ANYTHING to? There couldn't possibly be another soul out in the world who could be all these things for me.
But I met someone else who could do most of these things. And even before our first meeting I realized that I was a whole, wonderful (mostly) person with her own witticisms and jokes and magnetism. Now that relationship has also ended. And though I want to stay friends with this person desperately, I am afraid he will reject that and stop full stop. And I will be the one hurting him and he will have to go through all of the questions and doubt and come out the other side changed. And I will have lost a dear friend.
Fear and comfort keep us in situations which one moment seem wonderful and the next unbearable. We fear change, we fear loss, we fully fear hurting the ones we love. We fear losing their imprint on our soul, their contribution to the creation of the person we are meant to be. And we cry and we ache and we have to do it anyway.
Sometimes I don't know which song I would choose. There is so much joy in other people, in falling in love, in the little day to day glances and touches and smiles that make life worth living. But there is so much pain too! And on dark, lonely nights, the pain and joy get mixed and we lie awake while they war in our heads and our hearts. And the tears fall for both sides, and even still we know that we must move on and be strong and protect our heart for the next soul we loan it to.
Peace, Love, and late night contemplations
Shanti Elena
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