My mind is abuzz and I cannot find sleep. It's 3:23am and there is beautiful music playing to try to lull me. My bed is comfortable, my sheets soft. My pillows are arranged just so. Yet I lie awake and feel the frenetic energy of my brain and it just won't shut off. It won't shut up. So I thought that perhaps this would help.
Today was a good day. I had a great lunch with my best friend and we talked about the normal things-her kid, my dating life. The sun was shining. I went shopping and bought some summer clothes to salute the warmth of the vitamin D life-giver that graced us today. I even bought a sun dress! And then work. Work was good. Work was pretty easy. It was a much needed break from yesterday at work. I walked with my dear friend on our lunch. I came home and walked my Haven. She ran and ran in the park, her glowing blue collar a testament to her location and a comfort to a dog mommy.
Now I am here. And I've been here. Why am I awake? A large piece is the new man I've met, who I am fascinated by. Another piece is the knowledge that I need to start making life changes. School and living situations and such. I desperately want a space to call my own. I want stability in my career. I want to publish my book and the others to follow. Will I ever have children? Will I end up having my own child? Why am I breaking out and will coconut oil really help my dry scalp?
How do I shut off the flow of thoughts and feelings? I used to be able to sleep so well, so deeply. What am I so worried about? It's not death this time. I'm actually feeling pretty ok about that subject for some reason, It's more the life not lived. The loss of time. The knowing that while I may have another life after this, the consciousness of this Shanti will be forever lost to dreams and feelings and connections that don't make sense but that we feel deep in our soul. It's all the years before and the where I should be at this time in my life. The inadequacies of what I've done and who I am. Yet I really like who I am. It's a strange paradox, loving yourself and still being angry at the choices you've made. Those choices leading you to the person you are that is lovable. Round and round.
And a Pink Floyd song comes on and I'm reminded of 18 year old me and this inevitably brings Charlie into the mind and all that sadness. And I recall the loves of my life and how they shaped me and made me stronger and broke me and reforged me and gosh, it's now 3:40 in the morning and I need to sleep.
A salute to all the other insomniacs out there tonight, worried about things they can't pinpoint and wondering how the hell they're going to face the glorious sun when it rises in a few short hours. Coffee and sweet dreams will hopefully help. And the knowledge that it's Friday.
Peace, Love, and Solidarity in our Humanness
Shanti Elena
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